So, I live in Japan. I think that I've adapted fairly well to the culture that I live in. I also think that most of the cultural differences and subtleties do not come as much of a surprise anymore. There is one area that I don't seem to be able to get used to.
In Japan, many times couples do not socialize or even meet each others friends. On a number of occasions when I would have liked to go to certain gatherings (mostly barbecues and things that are outdoorsy and fun) of Shimon's (boyfriend) friends, I have been excluded simply because the group is set and outsiders would change the dynamics and somehow, inexplicably, make it weird or bad (in Japanese I would disturb the "wa" of the group).
I get it. I won't be invited to anything that involves that group of friends. In my head, I understand. Then why does it always hurt my feelings?
This time, Shimon thought that I might be able to be included (the group of people was slightly different) and told me as much (but without having checked with the person planning the bbq first). And once again, I can't go. I should have seen it coming. I should have been prepared. But I wasn't and I've got hurt feelings.
I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I always hope that the next time I might be included or it might be okay for me to go to an event. Or maybe that's one thing that I really miss about the US - I know there are some events that are exclusive and require a specific invitation, but there are many, many times when it is perfectly okay to take a friend or girlfriend to an event (especially something like a bbq).
I just needed to vent a bit because it's bugging me that I can't somehow get over this strange cultural "hump" that I seem to be stuck on. If anyone has any ideas or interesting "takes" let me know!
2 comments:
Can't help you, 'lish, cause this totally boggles mind, this exclusivity. I just don't understand it. But I am sorry. Can you and Shimon host a bbq and invite this group of friends? If you're the host, you can invite whomever you want, right? Then maybe you could penetrate the wa. (but I don't know how it works). Is Shimon at all sensitive to how you feel about this?
It is crazy isn't it!?! I find it hard to wrap my head around. He understands some of how I feel, I think. But I can't even articulate why, after many group events that I am unable to attend, it still bugs me. I can't really get to the root of it exactly... other than hurt feelings.
I think that next year I will try to host a bbq and invite this group of his friends. Or at least some of them. I just wasn't on the ball this year. Thanks for the support though. I really appreciate it!
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